In 1975, “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac was released. Even 43 years later this song is still touching people. More specifically, this song has touched me.
I recently went through a break up. This is nothing new or surprising for 20 somethings like me. I am no special example or fearless relationship leader.
The thing is, I love to love and be loved. Though this is a wonderful concept, it doesn’t protect you from the ravages of time. As we all know, seasons come and go. It is only rational to accept that sometimes people do too.
I can say all this with finality but I have only recently accepted it.
For years, my life was built around a man that I thought was my whole world. Not unlike most people in love. But, I was wrong.
I wasn’t wrong for dating him. Nor was I wrong for the sacrifices I made to be with him. I was wrong for letting one person define me. I was wrong for watering myself down and allowing my feelings to convince me that it was okay. I was wrong for not practicing what I preach.
The truth is, I was most wrong for doing all this and failing to realize that he no longer even knew who I was. And what a shame that is because I’m pretty awesome.
Or at least, I know that I should be awesome. I should be doing amazing things. But, I was so scared of changing. I was terrified that if I messed things up then I would’ve missed out on my life.
I thought it would be too hard to find Madelyn. Once again, I was wrong.
What was actually terrifying was allowing a relationship to carry on when neither of us were truly happy. We were pleasantly comfortable. We were friends. We thought that was good enough.
Then, one day, I came to the realization that it wasn’t enough for me. I think he wasn’t too far behind, arriving to the same conclusion.
It can be really hard to break things off when nothing detrimental happens. Believe me there were times I wished it could be that easy.
Except life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s meant to be worth it. I was supposed to experience this and gain the courage to choose myself.
After we actually broke up, I got in my car and just drove around. At first, I sat in complete silence just thinking about everything. Eventually my thoughts were too loud and I turned on the radio.
I started singing the words and for the first time ever, I wasn’t just singing along. I meant it. I had always thought that it was such a sad song. I thought she was abandoned and brokenhearted.
This time though, it had a new meaning. I really heard her.
I knew I had really tried. I climbed the mountain and when I got to the top, I realized there was somewhere else I was supposed to be. It was right until it wasn’t.
My new realization was that this choice had finally made me feel like a woman.
I know I’m not perfect, and I definitely know I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend to him. But in my heart, I know I gave it my all. I let the hourglass empty.
It wasn’t me, and it wasn’t even him. It just wasn’t meant to be us.
Stevie said time makes you bolder, even children get older. Well….I’m getting older too.